A friend of mine and I have decided to start afresh, so we are taking this opportunity to declare an independent Devil’s Isle Republic. It will start at the airport end of the Causeway and will encompass St George’s and St David’s.
For the moment passage into the DIR will be free and there will be no need to show passports, however we have reserved the right to change that if immigration becomes an issue. (PS, we will have our Customs officers at the Swizzle to provide a sharply improved service.)
We have discussed this declaration of independence at length but the deciding factor was the impossibility of penetrating the bubble that seems to envelop that red house on the hill.
Meetings of the DIR will be held in public, over a beer, and we will welcome anyone who is prepared to buy us a drink. Two beers and we’ll fall over backwards to help you.
Every man, woman, dog and cat will have the opportunity to vote for their elected representatives on an annual basis (we do not discriminate) and if you don’t like us, we will retire to the bar of the Black Horse Tavern – and we will not throw our toys out of the pram.
There will be no finger pointing, name calling or rude behavior. We will not tolerate back chat and we will always say Good Morning, Good Night and Good Evening to everyone. There will also be a law that says you must let people out onto the road straight away.
We will also take an oath never to make U-turns (unless we are driving), to never speak in derogatory terms about anyone or anything, unless it is a St David’s islander; to be open and transparent at all times and to work for the good of the people, full-time, for free (hence the reference to buying us pints.)
We will implement new and exciting strategies: St George’s will become a duty free zone; the old bases at Southside will be a hub for new tech and we will fund a DIR office in Silicon Valley to talent spot the ‘next big thing’.
Money will be replaced by bartering and we will lay on lots of free transport so people can join us for a beer. As the economy will run on bartering we will all enjoy continuous furlough days although we might have to insist on some real work one day a month (which will be the only day marches are allowed.)
DIR Radio will ban phone-ins and they will play music that everyone likes. In fact, we might insist that DIR Radio only plays music.
Every year we will celebrate St George’s Day although we haven’t decided about a St David’s Day yet, it depends how they behave.
The news will always be good news, because it will be the only thing there is and will be distributed in true Bermuda fashion by word of mouth.
Lastly, our benefactors have come together to donate towards our part of the national debt and we are delighted to be able to announce that we have paid it! It came to $11.51 – and we arrived at this figure based on the average spent annually by Government on this part of Bermuda over the last 50 years.
We have not quite figured out what our national flag will be, but we intend to approach Goslings to see if they can provide something suitable.
If you live in St George’s or St David’s and like what you hear, come to our inaugural meeting and meet our leader Lady Spar Folio, who despite once being booted out of office for flying on a private jet to go gaming, we have allowed back into the fold. We will publicise the venue nearer the time – we are working on getting an extended happy hour which is delaying things a little.
Update. We have been asked about the hotel development: We’ll be having a press conference soon to affirm that we are still in final final final final final final final final final final negotiations. We would like to call this the Gold plated platinum period